Kansas City, MO

Sparxafire! As far as I know, this is the last in my series of posts about Kansas City identities… We’ve discussed City of Fountains, BBQ, Cowtown and Jazz. All that’s left is Heart of America. And, geographically speaking, we are — well, we are the largest city close (250 miles away) to the geographical center of the lower 48…. Boom. Heart. Of course, if you want to be literal, if we are talking about a metaphor that equates this city to the center of the human body, we should rightfully be known as the “Belly Button of America.” “Navel of America?” But nobody checks these things with me.

Living here, it’s easy to take this symmetry for granted. I’m not sure, but I think I would feel lopsided and out of sorts if I did not live smack dab in the middle of everything. I like to say that all I have to do is spin around in a circle, and I can keep my eye on everybody in the whole country — figuratively, of course — to the peril of my blog audiences. “I seeeeee what you’re doooooing….”

I have never understood why every corporation does not locate its headquarters here, nor do I understand why people have conventions in cities other than Kansas City… just for the efficiencies of shipping and travel alone! And that’s not to mention the other advantages we have — a well-educated workforce, fabulous housing at extra-double cheapity cheap prices, do-able rush hour, enough culture, theater and museums and all that sort of thing. We even have riverboat gaming casinos, so what’s the big deal about having a convention in Vegas?

I watch “Flip That House,” or whatever on cable TV, and I see what housing prices are in other places. It’s nuts! I’ve seen busted out, 2-bedroom, 900 sq. ft. shacks with holes in the roof, no kitchen whatsoever, half of one bathroom and a carport made out of a broken umbrella in California sell for MORE…… than a 2,000 sq. ft. mansion with four bedrooms, mahogany wood trim, granite, gleaming stainless steel, 2 fireplaces and a double-car garage here in Kansas City!

Oh, well. I don’t know why I make that point … because everybody will come here to live and clog up the freeways and whatnot.

Heart of America. Ideal terrorist target? I don’t like to think about terrorists, all: “Let us strike them in their very heart!” and point to Kansas City on the map.

Although, I will say, I am smug about our accent here in the Heartland. (We call ourselves that sometimes. In fact, in our phone book, 168 businesses are named “Heartland something.” Only 33 are listed under “Heart of America” something.) We are the only city whose residents do not have an accent! You just think we speak with a twang and do not know most rules of grammar! Other areas of Missouri DO have shocking accents and grammer: “Wull, I dun tole this good ole boy he thought he seen a ghost, but it was really granny a-shakin’ the mouse droppin’s outta the sheets.”

No, no, no, no, no.

Not in Kansas City. Here’s the proof of the “no accent” part: Walter Cronkite was born in St. Joseph, Mo., about 50 miles north of Kansas City. We speak with the same accent Mr. Cronkite has… that is, no accent at all! Cronkite and other news anchors taught America how to speak correctly, with no accent. And that’s the Kansas City accent. All others have accents, Noo Yawkers, Southerners and whomever. Not KC.

Finally, all the Heart of America business is purely based on geography. As a metropolis, I think we probably have a heart about like most Midwestern cities. We have charity here, and we try to help the downtrodden and whatnot, no more, no less than anyone else, I suppose. So, don’t rush in here and buy all our amazing real estate and mansions because you think we are some metaphysical heart of America. We’re just regular folks.